I have a lot of anxiety about driving in the rain. Ok, I have a lot of anxiety in life in general...there, I said it. It's generational, this anxiety....no excuses though, I'm currently trying to let God break me free of it. But I had a childhood friend of mine pass away while we were in high school because her car hydroplaned on a rainy day and hit a telephone pole. Driving in the rain was no big deal until that day. Now, I'm always that white-knuckled idiot driving slower than necessary in the right hand lane when it's raining. And amongst my fear and anxiousness, sometimes all I can think about is who's judging my windshield wipers.
Like I always imagine that if my wipers are going too fast (because I like to keep as much water as possible off of my windshield at all times for maximum visibility), people driving by me or behind me are going to be like "WHOA!! Take it easy you panicky freak! It's just a drizzle! Slow those bad boys down for goodness sake." as they cruise on by all calm and serene. And then they'll get home and tell their spouse "Honey, you will not believe what I saw on the way home today....".
I mean, this is ridiculousness at it's lowest. Trying to make my wipers look normal to other people when on the inside I'm just wishing I could see the road and not crash. So I never keep them at a speed where I'm comfortable, for fear of judgement by PERFECT STRANGERS whom I will never meet nor ever have to explain myself to, and who, I'm certain would NEVER call me out on my wiper speed anyway. Because they'd never notice. I understand this. But I worry anyway...it's totally illogical.
The sad part is I think I've always been this way. Even in middle school. Whenever anyone would stay after school hours to get some extra help or play an intramural sport, we would all go to the cafeteria afterward to wait for the late buses to come. The awesome thing to do was to sit and listen to a CD on your Discman while we waited. I saved my allowance for months just so I could buy that Discman. Then I finally got to take it to school and was totally prepared to be awesome while I waited for the late bus. So here was the problem: everyone would walk around and chat and socialize because that's what middle school humans do, and while they were all doing this, they'd grab the headphones off of anyone who had them just to check out what they were listening to. So I had to make sure I was always listening to something socially acceptable. I bought and listened to CD's like The Notorious B.I.G. (may he rest in peace), Mary J. Blige, and the Space Jam soundtrack...all of which I HATED...just for the off chance that someone might check what I was listening to and those were the dope beats. All I really wanted to listen to was Alan Jackson or The Sound of Music soundtrack but that would have been social suicide had I been caught. So I suffered. I suffered through "Going back to Cali" when I wanted to jam out to "Chattahoochee".
And now, 15 years later, I suffer through a medium speed setting on my windshield wipers when I really want to set them to something supersonically fast.
Is this normal? Please share with me something you are illogically self conscious about.
Oh, and for the record, I do have something to show for listening to music that I didn't like when I was 12. I can still rattle off every word to the rap verse in "Don't go chasing waterfalls" by TLC, and the song "Basketball Jones", which is musical genius in my mind. And that is not a talent that everyone can boast. Booyah.
i am self-conscious about almost everything... but one thing that is totally illogical: my groceries. when i am in a check-out line, all i am wondering is "what does the clerk think about my groceries?" i am afraid that he doesn't think they are healthy enough. or that, perhaps they are too healthy and i am depriving my children of all fun in the food world. i am also afraid he's thinking "hey big spender, the processed cheese is way cheaper than this natural, healthy crap. plus, it melts better." anyways, it is illogical, but i can't help but stress about the private criticisms of grocery clerks.
ReplyDeleteand for the record, i'm sometimes afraid my wipers are going to fly right off my van and hit another vehicle. i keep them moving at lightning speed, even if it's not raining. so, let 'em fly sister. afterall...
"i believe i can fly." -r. kelly, space jam soundtrack
Hum... I never new this about you. Well, about anxiety in general, yes, as I do share the same gene pool and do also share in the many ridiculous social angsts. I will compile a list. Maybe it will make you feel better. Did I ever tell you that when out in public I walk super fast because I think everyone is staring at me and I feel the need to escape as quickly as possible? Oh, ha, and if while in my car my windows are down and I come to a stop of any sort I turn my radio down. I always listen to country music in the car and I feel like I'm being judged if anyone hears what I'm listening to.
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