*Disclaimer: Before you read this, if you care, please understand that I am happily married and I'm not fantasizing about being single again and/or being pursued. I'm just ranting about my thoughts. Please feel free to turn around here and spend your time doing something much more productive. Thank you.
Ok so back to the tizzy. I was all worked up because I realized last night that I really enjoy the whole "getting to know you" process as long as it's not comprised of small talk. And I don't really have a lot of people in my life that I'm in the process of getting to know. That's because I'm fairly non-communicative by nature and it takes just about everything I have to stay in mediocre communication with the family and friends that I already have, I couldn't possibly add any more and do it well. (That being said, if you happen to find me wildly interesting and just can't even THINK about going one more day without being my friend, take a crack at it. We'll see how it goes.) So anyway, it's a conundrum. I like getting to know new people but I'm a little fearful of having new people in my life. "Great, Sam. What does this have to do with the Bachelorette?" , you ask. Well I just figured that even if I were fabulously good-looking and they put me on this show as the bait and threw 25 equally as fabulously good-looking men into a house and revved up the alpha male syndrome so that they all believed they should each, by all means, be my husband...I think they would each eventually hate me and NOT accept this rose. I would like to give you my top ten reasons why I'm convinced I would make the worst Bachelorette in the history of single ladies.
#10: I am SO over saying the right thing to get someone to like me. I mean, I'm a fairly agreeable person in that I just don't enjoy picking fights and having confrontations if it's just not worth it...and I believe it's usually not worth it. But if you're asking me something, I will tell you the truth even if it means we have opposing views. Thus, a lot of these dudes would probably not like me because I would say the wrong thing or give TMI on the first date.
#9: I hate the term "soul mate". I think the only mate my actual soul has is Jesus Christ and who wouldn't be scared away by that competition?
#8: I wear a one-piece bathing suit. Enough said.
#7: I have a natural aversion to making people feel stupid. This is actually a miracle given my upbringing. I was raised by a man who enjoyed few things more than belittling other people in front of a crowd of as many as possible for the sake of a laugh. I can't even be in a room where someone else feels embarrassed, even if it has nothing to do with me. If someone trips or falls anywhere near me, I immediately turn the other way and pretend that I didn't see it just so I can be one less person that the falling party has to feel dumb in front of. So when it comes down to having to send one poor guy home, not only in front of the others that I have decided are better than him, but also in front of millions of Americans seeking entertainment, I just don't think I could do it. I would keep them all. This is not a good way to find a soul mate.
#6: It's personal! I mean, I can't count how many times the latest bachelorette said to one of the guys, "it's nothing personal, you're just not the guy for me." Come on! It's EVERYTHING personal. Now way around it. And again, I'm not really good at being harsh, nor am I good at lying. So that would suck.
#5: All I've ever really wanted is to be a mom as a vocation. How do you convey that to someone on the first date and still have them like you?? I think I already married the one man who's ok with that.
#4: I hate candles. Seriously, have you ever noticed how many candles are always all over the place on this show? Candles provide two things I am absolutely terrified of: fire, and a romantic setting. I would walk around the set with a squirt gun in a holster at all times, extinguishing all the little dancing flames I came across. Again, could be a little off-putting to my potential love interests.
#3: I'm not an especially affectionate human being. Some poor man would reach for my hand and I would probably just smack him. Not an appealing quality.
#2: I'm much too self-conscious to basically stand on a stage and say "Here I am men! Who's interested?" I couldn't even pretend to be perfect for that long.
#1: I. Don't. Do. Adventure. I can picture running through fields of wild flowers (not hand in hand), laughing at all the love in the air and my hair is waving beautifully in the summer breeze because some hollywood glam guy just did it for me and my possible love interest and I come to a large clearing where there is a....helicopter waiting. And I catch my breath and say, "Yes! we will get into this flying device just as soon as I call in my Xanex prescription. How do you like me now?" And then HE actually sends ME home. I don't fly unmedicated. I don't walk across ropes strung between sky scrapers. I don't SWIM WITH STINGRAY! I don't bungee jump. I don't walk on glaciers or volcanoes. I don't climb down into dark caves just to have a date. I don't get on jetskis or motorcycles or cars that go fast. I don't like when nature gets on me. I don't climb mountains or pet wild bears for fun. Wow. I am an absolute drag. And that is why they will never make a show about me.
Now, before you go thinking that I'm all down on myself, I do actually have a list of a few reasons why I would make an awesomer bachelorette than anyone they've ever had. But that's for another post. And now I will go and remain indoors, dressed modestly, and stay on the ground far from any open flames. Good day.
I don't do adventure either. At least not well. It's mostly about the bugs. I have actually whined about "nature getting on me," in those exact words, on several occasions. The following is an excerpt from an entry I wrote on our family blog in July 2008, which was titled "Honey...nature is getting on meeee!":
ReplyDelete"We took a miserable hike today at Durand-Eastman Park. Ryan almost kicked a decaying woodchuck and I saw a black snake slithering about a half foot to my right off the path. We speculated that the snake may be the reason for the deceased woodchuck, but have no evidence. Also we somehow got off the trail and ended up on a golf course where a heron made a fool out of us by keeping just beyond reach while we searched for our lost trail, making it appear to the kindly golfers nearby that we were chasing the bird across their green. We were spectacle enough as it was...retracing our steps several times, me following behind Ryan, scowling, trying to keep bugs away from my hair."
Later that day I actually went on the park's website, copied, and rewrote their description of the trail we had hiked in a particularly scathing way. Not one of my more mature moments, but it made me feel better.
That said, swimming with sting rays is actually one of my fondest family vacation memories. The rays were a considerable improvement on the company.
i love #4 and i want to see you actually pre-enacting that scene for me. i picture you walking around dressed like a cowboy, super serious and super bow-legged, looking for candles. please, make a video of this and put it on youtube.
ReplyDeleteso I am a little late...but this is probably one of the funniest things I have ever read....and I am pretty sure we are "soul mates" haha...i think the same things. I think that I watch this show purely to see how silly it is, so silly its entertaining!
ReplyDelete