Don't go chasing waterfalls without your wipers going ballistic

I am very self conscious about my windshield wipers.

I have a lot of anxiety about driving in the rain. Ok, I have a lot of anxiety in life in general...there, I said it. It's generational, this anxiety....no excuses though, I'm currently trying to let God break me free of it. But I had a childhood friend of mine pass away while we were in high school because her car hydroplaned on a rainy day and hit a telephone pole. Driving in the rain was no big deal until that day. Now, I'm always that white-knuckled idiot driving slower than necessary in the right hand lane when it's raining. And amongst my fear and anxiousness, sometimes all I can think about is who's judging my windshield wipers.

Like I always imagine that if my wipers are going too fast (because I like to keep as much water as possible off of my windshield at all times for maximum visibility), people driving by me or behind me are going to be like "WHOA!! Take it easy you panicky freak! It's just a drizzle! Slow those bad boys down for goodness sake." as they cruise on by all calm and serene. And then they'll get home and tell their spouse "Honey, you will not believe what I saw on the way home today....".

I mean, this is ridiculousness at it's lowest. Trying to make my wipers look normal to other people when on the inside I'm just wishing I could see the road and not crash. So I never keep them at a speed where I'm comfortable, for fear of judgement by PERFECT STRANGERS whom I will never meet nor ever have to explain myself to, and who, I'm certain would NEVER call me out on my wiper speed anyway. Because they'd never notice. I understand this. But I worry anyway...it's totally illogical.

The sad part is I think I've always been this way. Even in middle school. Whenever anyone would stay after school hours to get some extra help or play an intramural sport, we would all go to the cafeteria afterward to wait for the late buses to come. The awesome thing to do was to sit and listen to a CD on your Discman while we waited. I saved my allowance for months just so I could buy that Discman. Then I finally got to take it to school and was totally prepared to be awesome while I waited for the late bus. So here was the problem: everyone would walk around and chat and socialize because that's what middle school humans do, and while they were all doing this, they'd grab the headphones off of anyone who had them just to check out what they were listening to. So I had to make sure I was always listening to something socially acceptable. I bought and listened to CD's like The Notorious B.I.G. (may he rest in peace), Mary J. Blige, and the Space Jam soundtrack...all of which I HATED...just for the off chance that someone might check what I was listening to and those were the dope beats. All I really wanted to listen to was Alan Jackson or The Sound of Music soundtrack but that would have been social suicide had I been caught. So I suffered. I suffered through "Going back to Cali" when I wanted to jam out to "Chattahoochee".

And now, 15 years later, I suffer through a medium speed setting on my windshield wipers when I really want to set them to something supersonically fast.

Is this normal? Please share with me something you are illogically self conscious about.

Oh, and for the record, I do have something to show for listening to music that I didn't like when I was 12. I can still rattle off every word to the rap verse in "Don't go chasing waterfalls" by TLC, and the song "Basketball Jones", which is musical genius in my mind. And that is not a talent that everyone can boast. Booyah.

Why I would make the worst bachelorette in all of history

*Disclaimer: Before you read this, if you care, please understand that I am happily married and I'm not fantasizing about being single again and/or being pursued. I'm just ranting about my thoughts. Please feel free to turn around here and spend your time doing something much more productive. Thank you.

I was all in a tizzy after watching the season finale of The Bachelorette last night. First, if I may offer my thoughts: Chris was way too good for Ali anyway so booya. But Roberto had me at "baseball" so I like him a lot I just don't think it'll work out for them. Move over Perez, you heard it right here folks.

Ok so back to the tizzy. I was all worked up because I realized last night that I really enjoy the whole "getting to know you" process as long as it's not comprised of small talk. And I don't really have a lot of people in my life that I'm in the process of getting to know. That's because I'm fairly non-communicative by nature and it takes just about everything I have to stay in mediocre communication with the family and friends that I already have, I couldn't possibly add any more and do it well. (That being said, if you happen to find me wildly interesting and just can't even THINK about going one more day without being my friend, take a crack at it. We'll see how it goes.) So anyway, it's a conundrum. I like getting to know new people but I'm a little fearful of having new people in my life. "Great, Sam. What does this have to do with the Bachelorette?" , you ask. Well I just figured that even if I were fabulously good-looking and they put me on this show as the bait and threw 25 equally as fabulously good-looking men into a house and revved up the alpha male syndrome so that they all believed they should each, by all means, be my husband...I think they would each eventually hate me and NOT accept this rose. I would like to give you my top ten reasons why I'm convinced I would make the worst Bachelorette in the history of single ladies.

#10: I am SO over saying the right thing to get someone to like me. I mean, I'm a fairly agreeable person in that I just don't enjoy picking fights and having confrontations if it's just not worth it...and I believe it's usually not worth it. But if you're asking me something, I will tell you the truth even if it means we have opposing views. Thus, a lot of these dudes would probably not like me because I would say the wrong thing or give TMI on the first date.

#9: I hate the term "soul mate". I think the only mate my actual soul has is Jesus Christ and who wouldn't be scared away by that competition?

#8: I wear a one-piece bathing suit. Enough said.

#7: I have a natural aversion to making people feel stupid. This is actually a miracle given my upbringing. I was raised by a man who enjoyed few things more than belittling other people in front of a crowd of as many as possible for the sake of a laugh. I can't even be in a room where someone else feels embarrassed, even if it has nothing to do with me. If someone trips or falls anywhere near me, I immediately turn the other way and pretend that I didn't see it just so I can be one less person that the falling party has to feel dumb in front of. So when it comes down to having to send one poor guy home, not only in front of the others that I have decided are better than him, but also in front of millions of Americans seeking entertainment, I just don't think I could do it. I would keep them all. This is not a good way to find a soul mate.

#6: It's personal! I mean, I can't count how many times the latest bachelorette said to one of the guys, "it's nothing personal, you're just not the guy for me." Come on! It's EVERYTHING personal. Now way around it. And again, I'm not really good at being harsh, nor am I good at lying. So that would suck.

#5: All I've ever really wanted is to be a mom as a vocation. How do you convey that to someone on the first date and still have them like you?? I think I already married the one man who's ok with that.

#4: I hate candles. Seriously, have you ever noticed how many candles are always all over the place on this show? Candles provide two things I am absolutely terrified of: fire, and a romantic setting. I would walk around the set with a squirt gun in a holster at all times, extinguishing all the little dancing flames I came across. Again, could be a little off-putting to my potential love interests.

#3: I'm not an especially affectionate human being. Some poor man would reach for my hand and I would probably just smack him. Not an appealing quality.

#2: I'm much too self-conscious to basically stand on a stage and say "Here I am men! Who's interested?" I couldn't even pretend to be perfect for that long.

#1: I. Don't. Do. Adventure. I can picture running through fields of wild flowers (not hand in hand), laughing at all the love in the air and my hair is waving beautifully in the summer breeze because some hollywood glam guy just did it for me and my possible love interest and I come to a large clearing where there is a....helicopter waiting. And I catch my breath and say, "Yes! we will get into this flying device just as soon as I call in my Xanex prescription. How do you like me now?" And then HE actually sends ME home. I don't fly unmedicated. I don't walk across ropes strung between sky scrapers. I don't SWIM WITH STINGRAY! I don't bungee jump. I don't walk on glaciers or volcanoes. I don't climb down into dark caves just to have a date. I don't get on jetskis or motorcycles or cars that go fast. I don't like when nature gets on me. I don't climb mountains or pet wild bears for fun. Wow. I am an absolute drag. And that is why they will never make a show about me.

Now, before you go thinking that I'm all down on myself, I do actually have a list of a few reasons why I would make an awesomer bachelorette than anyone they've ever had. But that's for another post. And now I will go and remain indoors, dressed modestly, and stay on the ground far from any open flames. Good day.