what's your deal?

I've always wanted to be nice. I'm just not. The thing is, I'm not a MEAN person, it's just that I understand that when I die and the people I love are having a lovely funeral for me, they are going to try to come up with the very best things to say about me and "nice" just won't be one of them. "She was just the absolute nicest, sweetest person you could ever meet. Wouldn't hurt a fly" will not be a sentence that will be spoken during my eulogy. I hate flies. I hurt them as often as possible.

I would never intent to hurt anyone's feelings and I avoid confrontation at all costs, so I'm not the opposite of nice, I just don't really go out of my way to lather everyone in my path with compliments and niceties. It doesn't come naturally. I am not a quiet spirit. I am not a gentle woman. And I so wish I were. I want someone to describe me as "nice". I'm working on it.

But damnit, I'm funny. I got funny in my back pocket. "She was just a stinkin hoot and a riot. A real good time, that Sam. You wanna laugh about something ridiculous? You want a good chuckle at the expense of her dignity? You had to give Sam a call, that girl just had sarcasm oozing from her pores. And we all shall miss her." Now that, that will most certainly be spoken by my eulogist while my adoring audience all slowly and mournfully nod their heads in agreement. I mean really? This is my legacy? Good grief. But look, don't get me wrong. I don't think I'm Dana Carvey-funny or Niecey Nash-funny or any kind of stand up-funny. I don't think people would gather from miles around to laugh at me. I'm just your regular, run of the mill I've-got-a-friend-who's-pretty-funny-funny.

So my good friend Lara shared with me a theory of hers. She is also quite hilarious. Her brother-in-law had told her that he thinks in general girls aren't usually funny. So she thought about what makes her and I funny people and the bottom line is it really stems from our amazing ability to cover our pain and wounds of life with sarcasm and laughter. We've got issues, make no mistake. And sometimes the best way for me to get through all that is to just laugh at it and laugh at life and laugh at anything I possibly can before it all bubbles over and now neither "nice" nor "funny" are my descriptions but "insane-0, depressing, puddle of emotions" might just hit the nail on the head. Healthy girls aren't funny. They don't have to be. They have dads and childhoods and whole hearts and they don't have to waste time laughing at their insides. And they're all really nice.

So that's it. I'm working on a lot of things and I'm certainly not the only one. And I don't have a dad or a great childhood or an entirely whole heart but I've got a faithful God and LOT of second chances so I'll take that instead. I'll take funny. And I'll work on nice. But I'll never stop hurting flies.