Here's the thing

"Ok, here's the thing...". That's how I always used to begin conversations with my dad when I wanted something that I thought he wasn't going to be happy agreeing to. He thought it was really funny. Which was great because I had a much better chance of getting what I wanted when he was in a good mood, and laughing (either with or at someone) put him in a good mood. So I would say "here's the thing..." and he would laugh and roll his eyes and get comfortable like he couldn't WAIT to hear what I was going to ask for this time. And then I would proceed to review all of the good things about myself. It went like this:

"Now, here's the thing. I get very good grades. I have never had a speeding ticket. I've done my own laundry since I was seven. I'm always polite to the elderly and tiny children have a great time in my presence. Got all that?" And then after reviewing a few of my current merits, I would deliver the request. "...So I really feel like you giving me fifty dollars is not too much to ask in light of all my accomplishments as both a human being and as your offspring." or "...So considering that I'm clearly such a good person on the inside, I believe I should be able to get my belly button pierced so that I can look slightly rebellious on the outside. What do you think?" And I gotta be honest here, often times, it actually worked!

For those of you who do not recognize the signs, there is a term for this tactic. It is called manipulation. Not a good idea to make this part of your personality.

He would sit back, consider all the ways I felt like I had earned the right to do the thing I wanted to do or get the thing I thought he should give me, and then perhaps he would say he had to think about it or maybe he would just say yes right there on the spot. Not always. But often enough.

Now ten to fifteen years later, I am finally learning that this doesn't work with God. I keep trying. It's not going well. "Here's the thing, Lord. We faithfully give ten percent of our income to people we believe need it. Now can you give Joe just a teensy weensy raise please? I mean haven't we earned it?" And I'm not seeing Him sit back and consider this one. I don't even think I got a good chuckle out of Him.

"Here's the thing. I'm getting a lot better at praying often throughout the day. I even just went on a mission trip! Now can you please not take another baby from me?" Didn't get what I wanted out of that one.

"Here's the thing. I just selflessly made a casserole for someone who isn't able to cook for herself right now. So when I eat a pizza later, can you please not let it go to my thighs? Thanks." That one didn't go well at all either.

What's the dilly? Why is God not recognizing all my fantastic accomplishments and therefore giving me what I want? I guess it doesn't work that way.

God goes, "Oh that's cute, Sam. That's real nice that took some time out of your busy day to do something nice. But you wanna talk about MY accomplishments? Wanna talk about all the things that I've done right? Remember that time when I did everything for every person ever made on the face of the earth that I CREATED?? Yeah, that was ALWAYS. And I get to tell you no sometimes. Any time I want, actually. Because that's my job. And I earned it."

God can't be manipulated into giving me what I want.

Crap.

But here's what I'm learning. What I want is really insignificant and irrelevant anyway. I have come to (or at least I'm getting to) a place where I can say that God is good even when He tells me no. And I am very small and the things I do are very ridiculous and dumb in light of the things He does. And that's the way it should be. Because a 16 year old girl shouldn't be able to manipulate her dad into letting her stay out all night after the prom. And a 27 year old girl shouldn't be able to manipulate her God into letting her have anything that isn't best for her.

And usually I like it that way. Except when my pizza goes right to my thighs.