It's been a long time. I shouldn'ta left you without a dope beat to step to.

Fact: I am too young to have two children. It's not my fault though, I think kids were BOGO that month. That's one of my "lines". Pretty much any time someone makes a crack about twins (which happens almost every time I go anywhere with them and it's mostly from women over 70), I choose a comeback from my collection that usually gets a laugh and gives me a open to just keep walking. For example:

Old Lady: "Wow, twins! You certainly have your hands full."
Me: (choose from any of the following)
- "Yeah they were buy one get one, I guess."
- "I know, it's like insta-fam...just add milk."
- "Well, thought I'd go big or go home, ya know?"
- "What can I say, I mean business."

Those are a few of my faves. Then there are the age old "twice as nice" or "double trouble" comments. "Womb mates" is also a great description and a little less boring.
But let me be the first to inform the world: boy/girl twins CANNOT be identical. I am actually astounded at how often I get asked this question. I'm not trying to make you feel dumb if you didn't know that. Actually Joe didn't even know that. But "identical" means that they are literally made out of the same DNA because they started as one egg, one person, and then split into two. That's not the case with fraternal twins. One of them is made of XX chromosomes (girl) and one is made of XY chromosomes (boy). So I suppose they could look alike just like any brother and sister can but they're not identical because one of them has a penis.

I'm not sure how I got into all that. The point is I am too young for this. Last week, Brett and Ella each took their first steps within 24 hours of each other. This threw me into a tailspin of emotions. First of all, I mean what are the odds of that happening? And honestly I just can't believe my babies are so big already. Sometimes I can't even believe they're finally out of my belly. I feel like my pregnancy was about 5 years long and since then it's all flown by in about 5 seconds. And I feel like I'm just too young to be saying things like "how did my babies get to be so big??" I might as well head out and buy a pair of mom jeans and throw on some black Reebocks and call it a day.

But whatever, I would take my kids over my youth and my waist any day. Can I get a witness?

And look at these little feet, can you imagine them walking?? This is one of my favorite family pictures we have, even though our faces aren't in it. Shout out to Ms. Sara Becker for the photo.

Here's the thing

"Ok, here's the thing...". That's how I always used to begin conversations with my dad when I wanted something that I thought he wasn't going to be happy agreeing to. He thought it was really funny. Which was great because I had a much better chance of getting what I wanted when he was in a good mood, and laughing (either with or at someone) put him in a good mood. So I would say "here's the thing..." and he would laugh and roll his eyes and get comfortable like he couldn't WAIT to hear what I was going to ask for this time. And then I would proceed to review all of the good things about myself. It went like this:

"Now, here's the thing. I get very good grades. I have never had a speeding ticket. I've done my own laundry since I was seven. I'm always polite to the elderly and tiny children have a great time in my presence. Got all that?" And then after reviewing a few of my current merits, I would deliver the request. "...So I really feel like you giving me fifty dollars is not too much to ask in light of all my accomplishments as both a human being and as your offspring." or "...So considering that I'm clearly such a good person on the inside, I believe I should be able to get my belly button pierced so that I can look slightly rebellious on the outside. What do you think?" And I gotta be honest here, often times, it actually worked!

For those of you who do not recognize the signs, there is a term for this tactic. It is called manipulation. Not a good idea to make this part of your personality.

He would sit back, consider all the ways I felt like I had earned the right to do the thing I wanted to do or get the thing I thought he should give me, and then perhaps he would say he had to think about it or maybe he would just say yes right there on the spot. Not always. But often enough.

Now ten to fifteen years later, I am finally learning that this doesn't work with God. I keep trying. It's not going well. "Here's the thing, Lord. We faithfully give ten percent of our income to people we believe need it. Now can you give Joe just a teensy weensy raise please? I mean haven't we earned it?" And I'm not seeing Him sit back and consider this one. I don't even think I got a good chuckle out of Him.

"Here's the thing. I'm getting a lot better at praying often throughout the day. I even just went on a mission trip! Now can you please not take another baby from me?" Didn't get what I wanted out of that one.

"Here's the thing. I just selflessly made a casserole for someone who isn't able to cook for herself right now. So when I eat a pizza later, can you please not let it go to my thighs? Thanks." That one didn't go well at all either.

What's the dilly? Why is God not recognizing all my fantastic accomplishments and therefore giving me what I want? I guess it doesn't work that way.

God goes, "Oh that's cute, Sam. That's real nice that took some time out of your busy day to do something nice. But you wanna talk about MY accomplishments? Wanna talk about all the things that I've done right? Remember that time when I did everything for every person ever made on the face of the earth that I CREATED?? Yeah, that was ALWAYS. And I get to tell you no sometimes. Any time I want, actually. Because that's my job. And I earned it."

God can't be manipulated into giving me what I want.

Crap.

But here's what I'm learning. What I want is really insignificant and irrelevant anyway. I have come to (or at least I'm getting to) a place where I can say that God is good even when He tells me no. And I am very small and the things I do are very ridiculous and dumb in light of the things He does. And that's the way it should be. Because a 16 year old girl shouldn't be able to manipulate her dad into letting her stay out all night after the prom. And a 27 year old girl shouldn't be able to manipulate her God into letting her have anything that isn't best for her.

And usually I like it that way. Except when my pizza goes right to my thighs.

what's your deal?

I've always wanted to be nice. I'm just not. The thing is, I'm not a MEAN person, it's just that I understand that when I die and the people I love are having a lovely funeral for me, they are going to try to come up with the very best things to say about me and "nice" just won't be one of them. "She was just the absolute nicest, sweetest person you could ever meet. Wouldn't hurt a fly" will not be a sentence that will be spoken during my eulogy. I hate flies. I hurt them as often as possible.

I would never intent to hurt anyone's feelings and I avoid confrontation at all costs, so I'm not the opposite of nice, I just don't really go out of my way to lather everyone in my path with compliments and niceties. It doesn't come naturally. I am not a quiet spirit. I am not a gentle woman. And I so wish I were. I want someone to describe me as "nice". I'm working on it.

But damnit, I'm funny. I got funny in my back pocket. "She was just a stinkin hoot and a riot. A real good time, that Sam. You wanna laugh about something ridiculous? You want a good chuckle at the expense of her dignity? You had to give Sam a call, that girl just had sarcasm oozing from her pores. And we all shall miss her." Now that, that will most certainly be spoken by my eulogist while my adoring audience all slowly and mournfully nod their heads in agreement. I mean really? This is my legacy? Good grief. But look, don't get me wrong. I don't think I'm Dana Carvey-funny or Niecey Nash-funny or any kind of stand up-funny. I don't think people would gather from miles around to laugh at me. I'm just your regular, run of the mill I've-got-a-friend-who's-pretty-funny-funny.

So my good friend Lara shared with me a theory of hers. She is also quite hilarious. Her brother-in-law had told her that he thinks in general girls aren't usually funny. So she thought about what makes her and I funny people and the bottom line is it really stems from our amazing ability to cover our pain and wounds of life with sarcasm and laughter. We've got issues, make no mistake. And sometimes the best way for me to get through all that is to just laugh at it and laugh at life and laugh at anything I possibly can before it all bubbles over and now neither "nice" nor "funny" are my descriptions but "insane-0, depressing, puddle of emotions" might just hit the nail on the head. Healthy girls aren't funny. They don't have to be. They have dads and childhoods and whole hearts and they don't have to waste time laughing at their insides. And they're all really nice.

So that's it. I'm working on a lot of things and I'm certainly not the only one. And I don't have a dad or a great childhood or an entirely whole heart but I've got a faithful God and LOT of second chances so I'll take that instead. I'll take funny. And I'll work on nice. But I'll never stop hurting flies.