Change of plans...

Well, as if enough change hasn't been happening in our lives lately....let's throw in an unexpected pregnancy! That should be fun!

Ok, let's recap. A few months ago I was feeling exceptionally tired, but that's to be expected when your husband is changing jobs, you're moving, and your twins are about to turn two, right? Except that one day I just HAD to take a nap. And I am NOT a napper. I loathe naps. I hate the way they steal my daylight and my productivity and make me feel groggy and disoriented. So I knew something was up the day I knew it wasn't an option to not give in to my need for sleep in the middle of a beautiful sunny summer day. So I took a test. It was all kinds of positive. The scene unfolded like this: I stood at the bathroom counter with my mouth agape and my eyes bulging out at that ridiculous looking plus sign. Speechless. How did this happen??? I mean I know HOW it happened, thank you Abby Hanson, but how did this HAPPEN?? And in walks Joe. On his way to pee. Out of the corner of his eye he notices the stick and with an early morning squint he leans back into a half-limbo position to get a good look, checks it out, and keeps on going with the intent to pee like nothing is going on. With a yawn, he casually confirms, "yep, that's positive." Thank you dear. I see that. Why are you not SHOCKED and TOTALLY ALARMED??

Anyway, it took a while to sink in. Actually it's still sinking in. Ever since the twins were six months old, we knew the Lord was calling us to adopt our next child. Our adoption agency has a policy that if an adopting couple becomes unexpectedly pregnant, their case will be put on hold until their youngest biological child is one year old. We knew this all along because we had to sign papers saying that we would immediately disclose any information on changes to our family structure to our social worker. As soon as I saw that plus sign I knew the plan had changed. We wouldn't be able to adopt. At least not for a long time. That was such a crazy mix of emotions for me. I didn't have to adjust to the idea that there was a baby on the way...I just had to wrap my brain around the differences on how it was going to come to us. For a solid year I've had visions of a beautiful brown baby in my arms. I've imagined meeting our child's birth mother, but not BEING our child's birth mother. I've dreamt about getting a phone call that changes our lives forever. I've wished to be a safe place for a child that doesn't have one. So my first thought was, "Why Lord are you allowing this to happen when your plan was so clear?" I NEVER questioned whether adoption was the next step for us and I felt like it was always only confirmed everywhere I looked.

So I don't have the answer. I wish I could say that God revealed something to me that made it all make sense. And I don't think God changes his mind. I'm not following a fickle deity. He is wise and He is good and He DOES have it all figured out. I just don't. And that's ok with me for now. I don't need to have the answers. But I will say (sparing the details) that I am ONLY pregnant right now because SO many stupid details lined up exactly as they needed to be in order for that to happen. So I do know that God's got his hand on this and it's in the plan and again, I'm just here for the ride. What else is new?

So we were shocked but we are blessed. I am so excited to be able to carry ONE child!! I think I will love being pregnant this time around and I will love birthing one baby and nursing one baby :) How privileged we are to be held in the palm of a perfect God.

Due March 13th, 2012. Three kids under 3 should be a good time :) Bring on the chaos.

Blessings still abound during a tiring week...

131) the sound of rain while I'm sleeping

132) the smell of brownies baking

133) the ability to purchase a can of paint in any color I want

134) trustworthy babysitters

135) dinners out with family

136) having a house to come home to

137) sleeping in until 7:30

138) napping while it's raining

139) living in a country where a big truck comes and takes our garbage away

140) hearing Brett say "thank you" loud and clear instead of "du du"

141) hearing Ella say "tankth" with her sweet little lisp

When it rains, it pours.

It's been a dry summer here in upstate New York. April showers brought May flowers as usual but since then it's been dry enough to kill all the grass in sight. And for anyone who knows my strange addictions, you know I'm just praying that the pumpkin harvest will still be successful this year.

But for the last week or so it's been raining like crazy. It's like somehow the clouds just stored it up for months and are finally letting it all out. I know how that feels. I'm a stuffer. I can plug it up and hold it in until I get so full I just bust. And it's all kinds of ugly.

That was like this summer for us. It started out pretty uncertain, but slow. We had a child "on the way" through adoption (not a specific child but just the possibility looming over us), we were moving but we didn't know where, Joe was changing jobs but we had no idea what the heck he actually did for a living (ok that was just me, and maybe still is). So we lived in this state of uncertainty but nothing was really moving forward. Just a lot of waiting.

So then about a month ago my mom's fiance, Ron passed away. That was hard. And we bought a house. Not hard...exciting, but for a woman, that's an emotional investment just to try to think about making some strange house your home. Then we started packing. Not fun, but fine. Then last week came and we closed on the house. We bought a wonderful house with great "bones" in a neighborhood that we love but it really needed a lot of love and a little face-lift. So we spent a week letting other people watch the kids so that I could come and start painting as much as possible before we moved in. I would come during the day, and then come at night after the kids went to bed. And some nights I would stay home and Joe would go to the new house and bring tons of boxes and do some more painting. I didn't see my kids or my husband for a week and I was so off of my normal routine. And there are few things I love more than routine.

And we hired a dry wall guy. Worst experience ever. This guy stunk. At first I thought he was a bit like a good doctor with poor bedside manner...like he did good work but not so great with communication (as in, he didn't even show up or call a few times that he was supposed to come and he also flooded our basement without telling us. Oops, must have slipped his stupid mind). Then he finished...or actually, he just stopped coming and Joe fired him and the finished product isn't really that great. So we're hiring some more contractors to come and fix his "mistakes". Stressful.

And this Saturday Ron's son got married. It was a beautiful occasion and they are an amazing couple and I was so happy to see them on the happiest day of their lives, but it was a little difficult feeling the lack of Ron's presence at an event where he would have been so happy and proud. It was really difficult for my mom, which made me a little bit of a wreck on her behalf. She did pretty well but of course there were tough moments to get through but I was proud of her overall.

And one of my uncles lost his four year battle with cancer this week. We attended the calling hours on Sunday and the funeral mass yesterday (Monday). I will write more about those things later but these events came with some massive anxiety for me because my Uncle Doug is my dad's brother, which meant that of course my dad was going to be there and the idea of seeing him always makes me dig up all my defenses before I've even been attacked. My anxiousness about seeing my dad was only rivaled by my sadness for my Aunt and cousins who were grieving the loss of the strongest part of their family.

TOO. MUCH.

This all just got to be WAY too much for me. A dry summer interrupted by a solid week of rain. I had a meltdown. It wasn't pretty. I couldn't hold it together for my kids or my husband, I just broke under the weight of it all. And each of those issues in themselves would have been ok, I could have stuffed it and then let it out slowly but adding them all together in one week was just too stinkin much. I couldn't sift through it fast enough to keep up.

God was speaking to my heart, trying to remind me that paint colors are terribly trivial and that any house is a home as long as my family is there and that death is a certain part of life. But I was too full to listen. Way too full of worry and self interest and anxiety and all the things He tells me to throw away because they're a waste of my time. Will I ever listen?

"From the end of the earth I call to you

when my heart is overwhelmed.

Lead me to the Rock that is higher than I,

for you have been my refuge,

a strong tower against the enemy.

Let me dwell in your tent forever!

Let me take refuge under the shelter of your wings!"

-Psalm 61:2-4

But it's true that His joy comes with the morning. And today is a new day and we have a home to live in and I have a beautiful family and a God who holds me when it seems like I'm drowning in the downpour. It's still raining today but the boxing bell rang and I'm in my corner and I don't know if this will be a brief time-out or a nice long season of calm. But I do know that my hope endures and my God is the same today as he was yesterday and ten million years ago and the same as he will be tomorrow. Rain or shine.

All in a day's work

Yesterday was a full, fun summer day. My mom and I took the kids to the Rochester Museum of Play where they....played. A lot. My mom and I were pretty much exhausted after chasing them around for two hours, and two hours really isn't that long to be in a place like that.

Just upon leaving, little Ella's elbow lost it's socket a little bit and she (rightfully) freaked out. Now, this same exact thing happened to her last weekend on our way out to the lake. We had to turn around and take her right to the doctor. *sidenote: last week's dislocation happened at about 4:45pm and by 5:30pm, we had been the pediatrician, gotten her fixed, and were back on our way. I LOVE this country!* Anyway, while we were at the doctor, he said that this "nursmaid's elbow" was very common in kids between ages 1 1/2 and 4 and could possibly happen many more times, so he showed us how to fix it ourselves if it should happen again. So yesterday when my mom said she heard the thing pop out, we knelt down beside the carousel, I said a little prayer and did a little twisting and shoving and she was good as new! I was very excited about that.

Well we came home, had some lunch, and I put the kids down for a nap. I was feeling pretty productive so I did some cleaning and some packing (since we're moving in less than two weeks).

Joe got home early which happens often on Fridays but is never any less awesome. So when the kids woke up we took them outside to play. Well, Joe played with them and I sat and read a book/supervised. There is just something so good about sitting outside with sunshine on my face, a book in my hand, watching my husband and kids run through a sprinkler together holding hands and laughing. I don't care if you think that's cheesey, it's my life and I love it.

Then we had some lame summer dinner scrounged up from the contents of our fridge. After dinner we went out for ice cream and when Brett got up to the counter to order, he slammed his open hand on the counter in front of the nice girl's face and yelled "black and white and black and white!", with a slam designated to each word of that incoherent sentence. Which, in his language meant, "two twists please"...but a little more rude.

Ice cream + cones + 2 toddlers = total disaster ALWAYS. Why do we put ourselves through this? I guess because the kids love it and what is summer without a lot of sticky ice cream residue stretching from INSIDE one ear to the other. After that, it was back home for a quick baby-wipe bath (perfect for the filthy child and exhausted parent combo) and the children were off to bed. Whereupon we turned on the Yanks game and sat still for the first time in 24 hours.

Just a pretty typical day in our home (save for the fairly serious injury and me playing ER doctor). And what a wonderful life it is.

Processing

This weekend was completely exhausting. It started on Thursday when we lost my mom's fiance, Ron, to cancer. He had been battling cancer for upwards of 8 years and just this past April he went in to have surgery on his kidneys and at that point the doctors said he had 3-6 months to live. What a crime to put an expiration date on someone's life. And yet they were right.

He was such a loud and boisterous man...in a great way. Always ready with a joke and hug that left me smelling like his cologne for the rest of the day. He was a Nazi in the kitchen, needed everything his way and nobody got IN the way...even in MY kitchen :) He was a lover of poker, fishing, boating, vacationing, joking, margaritas, suspenders, cigars, Wegmans, Dean Martin, golfing, hunting, cologne, and my mom. I hated watching him become skinny and quiet, it was like I didn't know what to do with him or how to talk to him because it just wasn't the guy I was used to. So I was happy that he didn't have to suffer any more but sad for the loss of a man that I really adored and especially sad that my mother lost her life partner.

His funeral was held on Saturday morning with a reception afterward and it seemed like a little bit of a whirlwind. I know that everyone grieves in their own way but I hate when people don't talk about those they've lost. Luckily, Ron doesn't have that kind of family. I think they'll do a great job of keeping Ron alive through stories and laughs and drinks that he loved. It's so healthy to talk about the losses in our lives and to free ourselves to feel whatever it is we feel when we do that. So today I feel a little sad for maybe the first time since he passed....forgive me, I'm a slow processor. But I'm going to be grateful that he was so good to my mom, and a father-figure to my brother, and friend to my sister and I.

So I'll dedicate a few of my blessings today to him:

1) the loud, cackling laugh that was so infectious

2) the human ability to fight for what we think is worth it

3) living in a country with amazing medical care available

4) food, and the joy it brings :)

5) breathing in second hand smoke from a cigar...one of my favorite smells

The Road to NOW

I'm starting a journey.

I think we're all usually on some kind of journey in life whether we realize it while it's happening or not. But this one that I'm about to embark on is very intentional and I'm aware of it and pretty excited about it.

I just recently finished reading the book "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. It's an exceptional book about her personal journey through the lessons that brought her to a place in her life where she could be consistently grateful and content. Which is a HUGE feat. Let me disclaim that I personally HATE her writing style. It's all crazy and choppy and abstract and she straight up refuses to use pronouns like "my" or "his" or use her children's names which drives me absolutely bonkers. But once I got used to her style, I was able to enjoy it. It's like the Christian movie "Fireproof"...once you realize that nobody acting in that movie is about to be up for an Academy Award, you can actually relax and enjoy the story line instead of feeling awkward every time someone speaks.

Without going into too much detail recounting the book, Ann Voskamp basically describes all the ways that keeping a continual awareness of our blessings and maintaining an attitude of thankfulness is like a wellspring of deep joy for ALL situations, even the ones that are crappy. At first I was very skeptical like right, who's going to tackle this giant concept? Who REALLY gets this?? But by the end, I got it. It's like I just had to flip my thinking upside down. Once we realize that we're not OWED anything, we're not entitled to anything, and we don't deserve anything...EVERYTHING becomes a gift. Each moment is a blessing directly from God, even if that moment feels frustrating or annoying or exasperating. It's still what the Lord is choosing to give us and it's up to us to thank Him for what He knows is best.

Of course, that is easier said than done and it's easier in some moments than it is in others.

But even as someone who absolutely LOVES my life, I am so often just trying to make it through the days. Waste time until bedtime. Sometimes the days seem to drag on forever but then all of a sudden a month has gone by and I can't believe it.

Do I love my job as a mom?

Yes.

Do I adore my husband and children more than anything?

Yes.

Do I appreciate my life and my blessings?

Yes.

Do I find it immensely irritating when people ask themselves questions and then answer them?

You have no idea.

But still. I wake up WAY too many mornings just wondering what in the world I'm going to do to pass the time today without two toddlers going crazy in my house. And I hate that. I want to be present in every moment because I know these moments will be gone much too quickly. I want to appreciate my days for whatever they are, whether they're boring or stressful or tiring or crazy. So strategy to achieve that goal is to train my heart to become thankful in every moment and situation by thanking God for every blessing that I notice. I'm going to write them down in a journal (or two or three) and see if I can get to 1,000 (that's what Voskamp does in her book). And my hope is that by the time I get to 1,000 written blessings I will have obtained the heart habit of looking for and noticing God's gifts in the (seemingly) ordinary minutes and hours and days of my life, and therein turning the mundane to the miraculous.

My God is so good. I know that in my marrow, but it's about time I start noticing His goodness even when I'm frazzled and pissed. Can I get an Amen??

Ok, I might as well start right now, publicly. Here are my first five written blessings in no particular order and of no ranking importance:

1) Ella's sweet sweaty curls when she wakes up from a summer nap

2) A cool, breezy morning at the playground with good friends and our many offspring

3) The joy of watching friends' bellies swell with life

4) Buying a pair of size 8 jeans and actually zipping them

5) Smoothies made with fresh fruit from the market

Life is good, is it not? Thanks for taking my first steps with me.

Failure and Change

It's been recently brought to my attention that I am a total failure as a blogger. And I was neither shocked nor offended by this opinion. But let me explain the reason for my failure. The problem is that I am a total stuffer. As in, I stuff my thoughts and feelings so as to avoid drama and tough conversations. My entire upbringing was largely defined by drama and tough conversations, so my instinct is to avoid those shenanigans at all costs. So when it comes to blogging I always just figure that nothing's going on and I have nothing to say.

Well at this point nothing could be further from the truth. Actually, it's maybe 50% truth. EVERYTHING'S going on, and I have nothing to say. Welcome to my life.

Joe always says that the only two descriptive words I have in my vocabulary are "nice" and "good".

"What do you think about these?"

"Nice."

"How was your day?"

"Good."

"How do you feel about American politics with relevance to Christianity?"

"Good."

"What do you think is the solution to all the injustice going on the world today?"

"We should be nice."

You get the picture. So now I will attempt to explain the last 3 months of my life and use slightly more descriptive words to convey my feelings about it.

First, Joe quit his job. He was really good at what he did but it just wasn't his dream. I know this is probably true of most people with the job that they're in, and heck, it's a JOB. The purpose of having a job is to make money to be able to live and support a family. But it doesn't always have to end there. He's got so much talent and I'm continuously impressed by the way his mind works when it comes to business and entrepreneurship. So he talked about quitting for a long time and had made up his mind that he was going to do it but was feeling tentative about when and how. This went on for a few months and finally I just got a little fed up. I thought if he was going to leave me at home with two toddlers every damn day, then he better at least be doing good work! So I told him one morning "I feel like you leave for work every day but you're not actually working or accomplishing anything." And that day he quit. I assumed it was a largely selfish standpoint for me. As a family, we need him to make our income, so of course he should have a job. But I thought he better have a great reason for leaving us every day, not just a hum drum redundant thing.

So now people ask me what his new job is and I have to answer that I don't actually know. God's blessed us so much in that Joe is able to work along side his dad, which is something he's always wanted to do. But he's able to do his "own thing" (which I believe might actually be his job title). He's consulting for a lot of different companies (which I think means that they pay him to give them good advice??) and I know he sometimes sits in an office and then other times he goes to meetings. And I know I get pissed if he's home later than 5pm. I already said I was selfish.

Ok, so that happened. Big change.

Also, we're moving.

One day my sweet crazy husband came home and said "I have some people coming to look at the house at 6:00" (this was at about 4:30). And I said "what do you mean 'look at the house'?" And he said "like to buy it." Right after completely freaking out, I made dinner, cleaned the house, freaked out some more, got really crabby, and then pretended to be a gracious hostess while some people came to look through our house. Long story short, they bought the house and we had to hurry up and find a new one. There are, of course, many reasons why this whole thing actually made a lot of sense and why our marriage didn't crumble over it, but I will spare my lovely readers the details and just ask you to trust me. So it came down to the wire, but we found a new house in time and now we're just waiting to close on both houses. We'll be Penfield residents in about a month! I'm pumped.

Also, we have a baby on the way.

It is not the fruit of my womb, we've talked about this, we're still in the middle of our adoption. Sort of stuck stagnant lately and I don't want to talk about it. But we have a baby on the way and we don't know who and we don't know when and we don't know from where. But we know our God is TRUSTWORTHY and good and this was HIS idea so that is where we rest.

Also, my babies are turning two years old in a few weeks. Oh good grief, how did that happen?? I feel like their first year was definitely the longest year of my life but I don't even know where the last 12 months have gone. It feels so fast and I just want them to stay small forever but alas, they are growing rapidly and talking CONSTANTLY and continuing to capture my heart day by day. They are my sweetest blessing and I am working my dream job by raising them.

So we are in a season of change and unknowing. And honestly, it's good for my soul. I know most people say they hate change but I love it. In addition to the drama and tough conversations which plagued my childhood...that time of life was also characterized by a lot of unpredictability. So I reside very comfortably in an often-changing environment. I actually tend to feel like something is wrong if I've been in the same routine for too long. So I'm enjoying all this for the most part, it's kind of a rush.

And I promise to try to be less of a blogging failure in the future.