Our first crazy ride happened back in November and involved the possibility of adopting boy/girl twins who were due at the beginning of January...which would have meant we would have been trying to survive having 4...count them, FOUR...children under the age of 18 months. Which, honestly, we were totally up for. We figured that we just wouldn't leave our house for approximately 3 years but after that we'd be golden. We were actually really pumped about the possibility of it happening. Needless to say it did not work out but it was totally consuming for about the span of a week. It's hard to invest 100% of your wisdom and wishing into something that may possibly turn out to be nothing.
Now we're in the third week of our second crazy ride and we don't really have a lot of answers at the moment. There are a lot of details that I wish I could share but ultimately this story is not yet ours to tell. It belongs to a sweet 18 year old girl in New Jersey who is currently busy being an absolutely super hero and choosing love and life for her baby. It sucks being where we are right now with no knowledge of the direction our lives might take with our next child but I cannot even begin to fathom what it must be like to feel a tiny person kicking inside of you and know that you will never get the chance to hear that baby call you "mama".
There have been times in the past few weeks when I've just looked up at God and told him that I want OFF this ridiculous ride! It's too hard and it's too much and I just want to be in charge of caring for my next baby in my belly and having a due date and being able to paint a nursery exactly one month before it comes and knowing that it will look just like Joe and I. But that's not the path God called us to. He never promised easy. He never promised convenient. He has promised hardship and glory...HIS glory, not mine. "He who calls you is faithful, and he will bring it to pass" (1 Thess. 5:24). I have GOT to keep reminding myself that we've been called to this purpose and now it's just up to Him. But in the meantime, I'm a total basket case.
So if you think of it, could the three of you who are out there reading this please pray for Joe and I as we tread these unknown waters? I understand that we signed up for this, but now we're finding out just WHAT exactly we signed up for and it's pretty rough. And now if you'll excuse me, I will go be still and know that He is God....and then 5 minutes later I'll calm myself down and resolve to do the same thing...and then 5 minutes after that...
Sometimes that is exactly what faith looks like... putting one foot in front of the other, ever so slowly, sometimes crawling. But moving in the direction God has called us.
ReplyDeleteI will be praying
day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, you can do this through the One who gives you strength. Praying for you and your family.
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