I've been thinking so much lately about what I want to do with my life. Like, what I REALLY want to DO with it, what kind of legacy I want to leave, what I want to be able to say at the end of my road that I did with all my time. I think this has come about from a culmination of a few different influences all within the last month. Some are pretty valid and some are embarrassingly simple, but all significant in the complicated inner workings that are my brain. I shall list them for you (in no particular order):
-The new year.
I don't always get reflective and nostalgic and sappy around New Years time but this year I did. I've know too many people fighting for their lives and I have enough poor relationships with family members that I just wanted to reflect on all the important relationships in my life and to realize why they are important to me and how I treat those people.
-Having a new baby on the way.
I constantly think about what my children will say about me when they're explaining their baggage as adults. Like which of their faults will they (rightfully) blame on me or the way that I raised them or the things I failed to teach them? Is it crazy to hope that my kids will never have anything but good things to say about me? The answer...yes, that's crazy Sam. I know. But a girl can hope. So I'm reflecting on how I treat my kids and hoping so much to become a parent that strives for godly excellence...not just a parent that strives to do a little better than my parents did. I think that goal is lofty but worth every ounce of effort.
-Taylor Swift's new album.
Ok, go ahead and laugh at me. She's like 20 but she's wise beyond her years and I don't care what anybody says, I think she's quite a brilliant lyricist (and the songs are so catchy!...I mean, even Joe likes them). Her album is called "Speak Now", which comes from the line they say (or at least used to say) at weddings, "speak now or forever hold your peace". And every song on this CD is like a letter that she's written to someone to say the things she wished she had said in the moment. I feel like this is my life. I NEVER speak in the moment. I'm always afraid to say the wrong thing, afraid of rejection, afraid to apologize, afraid of confrontation. I live WAY too much of my life in fear. That's a fact and a sin. I'm always having conversations in my head with people to whom I wish I'd said a million things but the time has passed. My chance has passed. I didn't "speak now". There's a person in my life that meant a lot to me and I was too confused to treat them with respect, and I'll always regret that. There's a person in my life that I was a terrible friend to and I'm so sorry for that. There's a person in my life who saved me from making a terrible and life-changing mistake and I'm grateful for that. There's a person in my life who helped to save me from myself...well, I actually married that one, so I'm good there :) But I'd like to do more speaking and less regretting with the time I have left on this planet.
-Our latest book club book
Shout out to Dayla Terp for a great choice this month. The book is called "Year of Wonders" by Geraldine Brooks and it's about the plague that struck England in the 1600's. I found it fascinating. Anyway there's a scene in the book (before everyone starts dying crazy and gruesome deaths) where this woman and her children are peacefully playing and all is right in her world and she stops and realizes and says "This, this moment is my miracle." Except it wasn't really anything but a normal day, but she understands that moments of pure happiness, even in the mundane of life can really be a miracle if you let them. I know that sounds like a cheesy Christmas song or something but its true. I live a pretty mundane life. I love it madly but it can get redundant. I want to make it a goal to notice my miracle moments and store them up so that in those times when things get darker or more frustrating or sad or unknown, I'll have those moments and memories to fuel me. I'd also like to give a shout out to the joy of the Lord for fueling me.
-Too many episodes of The Buried Life
"Get busy living, or get busy dying" Duncan always says. Ok, I have no desire to spend every day of my life trying to skirt the law or to hide in a giant cake for 11 hours in order to sneak into the Playboy mansion, but I DO have a desire to get busy living. I think I'd like to do something more important than streaking at a major league baseball game, but I love the idea of having the DRIVE to wake up with the intention of doing something big. Even if that big thing is loving. Like this amazing girl, Katie who lives in Uganda and simply LOVES on everyone the Lord places in her path. That is waking up with a purpose. Loving is a big deal. I mean, so is streaking...but one is just up my alley and the other isn't.
It's like she's just dissecting the things that happen in any normal day. I love it. And the last line of the poem is my favorite and really gets me. It says, "Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?". I think most of us have a hard time believing that our lives are either wild or precious, let alone both. I'm starting to think that mine is capable of being both and it's a good feeling.
I'm no slave to lists, but when I get overwhelmed (which happens VERY easily), I depend on lists to get me through my tasks. I think my idea for this year is to begin a "To-Live" list, instead of just always a "to-do" list. I would like to really focus on the way I want to live and the sort of mark I'd like to leave and the things I can do to bring God glory. Lofty indeed, but what else is really worth living for??
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