I'm sorry that I've been a blogging failure for pretty much the past six months. My pregnancy was pretty rough, emotionally speaking, and I feel like my hormones have ruled and schooled me. I was no match for them. I didn't feel depressed during or after my pregnancy with the twins so this was new for me. I had a patient husband and supportive and forgiving friends, which were God's gifts to me and the things that got me through. I don't think I've ever been so grateful for grace and a long-suffering Savior who loves me relentlessly, even at my most unlovable times. Anyway, it's hard to be in the deep-dark. It's hard to to even speak, let alone write anything worth anybody's time to read when you're in the deep-dark. So I just didn't. But alas, I have news.
I am back. Our baby boy was born two weeks ago and I'm happy to say that my dark cloud has been lifted. Since I wasn't exactly pumped about meeting him and having him upset the biorhythm of our family, I was very excited to find that in fact I do really REALLY love him. Oh, it's such a good feeling. When the twins were born it was like every cell in my body woke up to love them. And I was so afraid and almost convinced that I would not, could not feel that again. And when we got home with our new baby and I looked at the three of them, I thought it was probably a bad choice to have another child because surely my heart could NOT take it. I am sometimes afraid that I am actually going to burst from having so much love for them and I cannot believe that so much feeling can fit into my tiny frail heart. Truly, my cup runneth over. In such a good way.
After 24 hours of "early" labor and 14 hours of active labor, Levi Joseph was born via a safe and successful VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) on March 10th at 9:59pm. He was 7lbs. 3oz. and 19.5 inches long. My ultimate goal during his labor was to avoid another c-section, which I did accomplish. I did also set out to have a totally non-medicated labor but that part didn't happen. I caved to an epidural for a number of reasons and looking back, I don't regret that decision. All was well in the end.
So I am in love again. Brett and Ella made me a momma, Levi is making me a better one, and somehow Joe is still with me through all of it. And I am happy to be happy again. Those hormones were awful while they lasted and I shan't miss them, but I will say that they were worth whatever havoc they wreaked on my mind and body to bring me that sweet baby boy. And every time I look at him I know for sure that he was always intended to be here. Long before he was conceived by surprise to two human beings, he was conceived in the mind God who formed him and knew him fully and chose him for this time and for our family. He was intended for us and that is nothing short of a miracle. What could possibly be deep-dark about that??
