I couldn't think of anything original to explain that 2013 has been both the best and (among a few others, the) worst year of my life. Holy crap, I cannot wait to bid good riddance to this year. And I also cannot wait to continue the momentum of this year. I've been living in a massive dichotomy of being and I'm just so ready to stabilize. But maybe that's a pipe dream.
I haven't blogged in forever because it's basically just RUDE to blog from the depths of hell. Ain't nobody in a good mood down there, least of all me. And even though writing is a therapeutic release for me, blogging is entirely too public of an avenue to take when a journal will suffice and will never judge or disagree with me. Plus this year I've been focusing much more on intake than on output. So I read a lot. And a I write a little. But I've decided to return to my keyboard because I am finally lacking one key ingredient that has kept me away: fear. And oh I am a million times lighter without it.
This year began ugly. It's like when the ball dropped for 2013, they dropped it out of the ugly tree and it hit every branch on the way down and then it rolled into my living room and ran me over with all its ugly. And then from there, it got uglier.
I've had two entities basically rule over my whole life so far: fear and self-doubt. Every single decision I've ever made, every direction I've ever gone, every thought I've believed have been filtered through fear and through the assumption that I totally suck. There are one hundred thousand different factors that have influenced that behavior in me, none of which I'm going to drag you through, but it has been a vicious, vicious cycle. It goes around and around and it always ends up in the same place...more fear and self-doubt, self-loathing even, if I may be so dramatic. Twenty thirteen began in that very place.
And it's a little ironic that finally, oh sweet heavens FINALLY, I learned to just stop hating myself right in the midst of the ugliest I had ever been. For once, for the first time, I actually believed that there is NOTHING WRONG WITH ME. I mean, don't get me wrong...there are lots of things wrong with me. So. Many. Things. BUT...that's ok! I actually (through so many books, and journaling, and meditating, and introspection, and UNlearning a ton of what I had always been taught) believed that I'm alright. I mean...I didn't decide to ACT like I believed it, I didn't believe it in hopes that it would actually HAPPEN, I mean I wholeheartedly discovered that it is truth and it is a fact that I am good. I am enough. Just me. Right now. Just the way I am. It's not that I'll be good if I get my patience level up to a certain standard, or if I fit into a smaller size jeans, or if I pray an increased number of times per day, or if I bite the bullet and switch to organic chicken already. It's that I'm good now, today, here, just like this. I'm good with the mistakes I made today that I swore yesterday I wouldn't make again. I'm good with split ends. I'm good with feeding my kids boxed macaroni and cheese. I'm good with a house full of furniture from craigslist. I'm good even if I have to ignore my kids every once in a while to hide in a closet to play Ruzzle when I've hit my limit of how many times I can watch them jump off the couch and act like it was awesome before I LOSE MY GOURD. I don't need to gain or change or achieve anything to finally be worth something.
Exhale.
I am not under the impression that I'm perfect. It's very much the opposite. I feel totally comfortable with my imperfections...well, ok, not ALL of them. I've got some
So in that sense, it's been the best of times.
It's also been the worst of times, and I'm not going to write about that specifically. That's a story that needs to die. It's one of those things that probably doesn't have a silver lining. It won't be worked out for good. And I will say this, the idea that God won't give us anything we can't handle is total crap. Here is a great article for more on that. But truly, there are so many things in life that are beyond our ability to handle...or at least beyond our ability to handle with any sort of grace. And that's where I've been...in a graceless pile of crap. And trying to get out of that has been, well, trying. It's been exhausting, soul-sucking, frustrating, infuriating, and at times debilitating. But having to spend time debunking the myths in my life has also been freeing, enlightening, and life-giving. And I haven't quite landed yet. I'm still very much in process but I'm loving the direction in which I'm headed. And I love the people I'm headed there with. Being in the deep-dark can tend to be a serious sifting tool for the people in your life. It's been amazing to me to find who has stuck with me through my weird time in my ugly little chrysalis. I will be forever grateful to and forever in love with the friends who have stuck by me and supported me.
So come on 2013, just go away, I'm so over you. Let me start new and fresh and whole and accepted. Twenty-fourteen may be better or it may not, but I am better. Joseph Campbell says, "The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are". Now that I have finally allowed myself to be who I am, I'm looking forward to the privilege of my life, no matter what it brings. But it would be super awesome if it could drop just a little bit prettier ball into this year.
And surely you'll buy your pint cup.
And surely I'll buy mine.
And we'll take a cup o'kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.
